Use Your Words! Not
I learn a lot about young children from my dog.
Dogs can learn a few words. Raised as pets, dogs almost always recognize their names. With training, terms like “sit,” “stay,” and “come” have a pretty good recognition value as well. My dog seems to understand the word “walk” in almost any context, because, over time, he’s linked that word to an activity he loves.
But, for most dogs – and for most children - your tone of voice will override the literal meaning of any word.
I just did a little experiment – and it cost me at least five minutes of writing time.
I said my dog’s name to him in a low, disappointed tone of voice. At first, his tale began to wag: “It’s my name! Attention!” Almost immediately, his mood changed. The tail went down and began to tuck under the haunches.
I switched to a high, happy, excited tone. He seemed confused. I put him in my lap and cuddled him. I was expecting him to perk right up, but he didn’t. Then he jumped out of my arms, grabbed his toy, for a game of tug of war. Then he needed to run the rest of his excess energy off outside. He’s finally lying peacefully on the carpet again.
Those few seconds of being “in the doghouse” required thousands of seconds – and a lot of energy from me - to transform my dog’s mood back into a neutral zone. If I had wanted him to do something, this certainly wouldn’t be an efficient way to gain compliance.
How many times have you told your child to do something in a tone of voice that let him know that you weren’t completely present? A distracted tone? An annoyed tone? An angry tone? A hopeless tone? A tone that was, in any way, in conflict with the verbal content of the words?
I know many adults who don’t like to use their given names. As children, the only times they heard them was when a parent was angry. “Jacqueline!” “Mary!” “John Michael!” Even today, hearing their full name is an experience flavored with stress.
The tone of your voice and the quality of attention you project to your child – even in the most minor circumstances – will probably determine the kind of response you get. If you are feeling stress, that stress is the context in which your child will understand – and react to - all other information. The words you use will be secondary. And if they conflict with the emotional message you are sending, the words will probably be disregarded.
No matter how advanced we think we are as a society, our brain/body systems are still wired for a simple, natural existence. Our survival systems operate underneath the radar of language, and for every human being, a stress response means one thing: danger. Instead of “Listen, respond, remember!” our brain/body systems are telling us “Fight, flight, freeze!”
Reflexive stress responses actually shut down much of the non-dominant side of the brain. When you’re running away from a sabre-tooth tiger, if you take the time to consider the best escape route, you may end up as lunch. In that split second you spend deciding which fist should throw the first punch, you could get knocked out – so you rely on your dominant hand. When you’re hiding from a predator, your breathing becomes shallow and you stop thinking at all. You don’t want any movement – not even your breath, not even your consciousness - to suggest that you are alive.
Unfortunately, we can see these kinds of fight, flight, and freeze responses happening daily - on playgrounds, in classrooms, kitchens, bedrooms, and cars, everywhere we live our lives. And children aren’t the only ones who are having them!
In my experience, usually by the time you tell children “Use your words!” it is already too late. They have already been triggered into a stress response. And they have probably already triggered a stress response in another child as well. Once we’re in that kind of reflexive survival mode, words are not what we’re listening for!
We need to first go below the radar of our words, and turn off the alarm system. Stress speaks a body language. If we replace a body “word” with its opposite, the brain gets the signal that the danger is over, and we begin to calm down. Depending upon the degree of arousal, calm can come almost instantaneously - or it can take hours. But each time you calm the system down, the neural pathways of calm get stronger. Be patient!
In the next post, we’ll explore some things to say and do when “Use your words!” just doesn’t seem to work. Meanwhile, notice your tone of voice – and your own level of presence as you interact with children. You may be surprised at the results!