Affirmation and Intention
The developmental difference between “intention” and “affirmation” became clear to me yesterday. It was during a break in a seminar. I was saying to a colleague that the most important factor in healing and education was to want to be well, to want to grow. I said that, before I do work with children, even very young children, I have them set an intention. Of course, I don’t tell them that! I might say, “Remember some really fun, happy time!” Sometimes, with older children, I’ll add, “Put that in your body!” But usually, it isn’t necessary, the kids are immediately there. They’ve set their compass for a positive neurological map; their horse is heading towards the barn.
The educator I was talking to enthusiastically agreed. She said she did affirmations with her children. She would have them say, “I am smart!” or “I am happy!”
But a verbal affirmation is not the same thing as a feeling in your body. Words we aspire to are very different from experiences we possess.
A youtube clip made the rounds a while ago - a little girl, about three years old, is standing on the bathroom sink shouting, “I like my house! I love my uncles and my aunts! My life is great!”
A lot of people (more than 8 million) loved watching this - but, to be honest, I found it chilling. Not so much the kid - her body language was happy and active, although somewhat over-energized. (She knew she was being filmed). What bothered me was that these affirmations she had been taught to do were developmentally inappropriate. When kids are really playing, they don’t narrate their feelings. They just play.
I just watched an interview with the girl, who is now twelve. She talks about how weird it is that all these people she doesn’t even know have seen the video; it was just a family video her father uploaded to show relatives. She seems fascinated by the experience - but not completely comfortable with it, either.
When I look into the twelve year-old’s eyes on the screen, a memory comes back to me.
I’m in nursery school, standing at a big easel, with a big brush. An adult is asking me, “What’s your favorite color?” for the second time.
I don’t remember the first time I was asked that question, because then I was in heaven. Limitless paper, a big brush, bright color. . . But my answer must have been cute, because the adult went and got another adult, and asked me all over again. I remember my smile freezing on my face as I repeated, “Red.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s so bright!”
The adults smile and gesture to each other and go their ways. But when I return to the easel, painting just isn’t fun any more. It has become a performance for an audience; I have become inauthentic to myself.
The only reason to do an affirmation is because you don’t already have what you want. It creates a gap between the real and the imaginary. It’s a gap that we learn to create, recognize, negotiate as we grow older. But certainly before mid-adolescence, doing affirmations with children is bringing them into an adult territory that they don’t have the developmental capacity to understand. The meaning they may draw is that who they already are, and what they are already doing, is not good enough.
For children to develop and grow and learn and heal, they need to be in NOW. When children are in the NOW, they simply are their intentions. The gift of playing with children is that they bring us into NOW. And when we adults let go of that gap between what we have and what we want, we don’t need affirmations either.
Comments
For some reason I am reminded of Carol Dweck’s research - you can read about it in her book Mind in the Making. She found students who were praised for their efforts instead of for being “smart” actually performed better in the next test she gave. Being told you are smart or wonderful is kind of artificial - it reminds me of the verbal affirmation in Eve’s posting. Being told you are working hard is more of an intention (the implication is: keep working hard! you can do it!). That’s something the kids can feel and stick with. It’s being in the NOW.
thanks, Eve!
Thanks, Susan and Margaret!
Carol Dweck’s research makes a lot of sense to me on a
personal level. I was a really smart kid, and I
remember the discomfort of being praised for it. It got
me through some situations with flying colors, but
there were many times I was totally clueless. Because I
was “smart” I thought I was supposed to just KNOW
whatever it was. Unlike work, smart was not something I
could control. I felt, somehow, that working at
something might make me seem less smart. If I was
smart, I shouldn’t have to work, right?
Of course, I wasn’t aware of these thoughts at the
time, but they definitely affected my performance and
my study habits! The thing I worked hardest at was
music - because I loved it, and that had nothing to do
with being smart. And it was clear that EVERYBODY,
smart or not, had to work at music!
So yes, I agree, it is much better to praise children
for their actions, not their attributes. The former
gives them clear direction on what to do that is
positive for their lives. The latter is confusing - and
because it is nothing that they can control, it creates
worry that they will still be loved if/when those
attributes go away.
I just checked out Carol Dweck on the web - here’s a
link to an article discussing her work. Very
interesting!
http://news.stanford.edu/news/2007/february7/dweck-020707.html
Susan Seale Oct 15, 2011
YES!