Mirror Neurons Part III: Empathy
When someone begins to yawn, our mirror neurons instruct our own jaws to open. As someone shoulders a car out of a ditch, our mirror neurons tell our own muscles to tighten in concert. When our friend’s forehead knits in thought, it is our mirror neurons that cause our own brows to furrow involuntarily. Frowns, smiles, tears, laughter – all stimulate a reflection in our own brain/body systems. Mirror neurons create the neurological map of empathy.
When our mirror neurons are not functioning correctly, we can’t “read” expressions or body language. There is evidence that mirror neurons can be inactive in people with autism spectrum disorders. Imagine having no understanding of a mother’s laughter, a friend’s tears, a teacher’s cautionary expression. It can make normal social interactions mysterious and stressful, an unreadable code.
We tend to think of empathy as a special talent or capacity. But some level of empathy is present in every ordinary interchange – at least, when we can hear a voice, or see a face or a body in movement. The current culture of texting may be filtering out many of the empathic elements of human relationship. Some psychologists are expressing concern that young people are showing less ability to read facial expressions and vocal suggestions. Mirror neurons are biological hardware that was developed for face-to-face and voice-to-voice contact.
Empathy is a one-on-one experience; trying to be simultaneously empathic to different people expressing different emotions creates internal confusion. Like multi-tasking, it is actually not possible. We can approximate this “multi-empathing” if we learn to cut in and out of different people’s feelings very quickly, like a digital recording, and if we have the internal stability to “hold” them all. But this is a high level skill that most adults do not possess. And it is developmentally impossible for children.
School for Stress. During a parent-child music class, a running four year-old girl knocks down a smaller child. The mother kneels down by her little girl, and looked into her eyes. “See? You hurt him. He’s crying! Say you’re sorry.” This parent-child interaction goes on for a couple of minutes. The parent explains, describes, persuades. The girl simply stares.
What was the experience of that girl? Had she even noticed that she had knocked over the smaller child? Maybe not; when children are excited, they don’t always notice the chaos left in their wake. Once her mother points it out to her, does she register that the younger child is upset? I’m not sure. Children operate in the moment. The interaction that is happening now is with her mother.
For any young child, parental affect will override every other bit of incoming information. As the girl’s mother tries to teach her about empathy and an appropriate social response, her body is fixed in an attitude of stress: stiffened limbs, unreadable eyes.
Adult or child, once a system goes into stress, no new information comes in - other than that which is necessary for immediate survival. Although her mother is trying hard to reach her daughter, this is actually not a “teachable moment” – at least, not for the intended curriculum. The girl is emotionally and cognitively impenetrable; her system has defaulted to fight, flight, or freeze.
Empathy for Whom? Is the girl feeling empathy? Probably – but certainly not for the child she has knocked over. When children know that they are in the doghouse, the empathy they feel is rarely for the one they have “hurt.” It is usually for us – for the authority figure who is reprimanding them.
Biologically speaking, this is only logical. The non-dominant member of the pack is not the one to watch. We pay attention to the alphas - the ones who regulate what we are allowed to do, the ones who have actual power over the quality of our lives.
Had the mother been as calm internally as she was trying to be on the outside, the interaction might have turned out a little differently. But children are brilliant at perceiving the smallest particle of parental distress – and if that stress indicator is there, that is what they track.
When children seem to be unfeeling, it does not necessarily reflect upon their capacity for empathy. They are feeling! But what they are feeling is our judgment, our stress. Their empathic powers are naturally trained upon the disapproving adult.
Children simply exercise their own personal mechanisms for surviving adult disapproval. Some children survive by following the rules, some by opposing them, some by checking out altogether. What they do does not necessarily have anything to do with their empathy for the underdog.
Modeling Empathy. We cannot teach children to empathize by telling them what they “should” feel. But we can teach them through our own feelings and actions. If what they feel from us is what we would wish for them to feel for the other, their mirror neurons will probably comply. We are, after all, the ones they are tracking.
Perhaps mother and daughter could have sat quietly together as the crying child was comforted by his own mother. Simply being an empathetic presence can help balance an emotional situation. And this kind of behavior can elevate empathy to the level of compassion – which is a wonderful thing for a child’s mirror neurons to experience!
Comments
When a Pre-Schooler has hurt a classmate I often aks the child “how do you think so-n-so is feeling?” Let’s look at their face. Are they smiling? Do you see tears? etc.
To a child that has been agressive toward another classmate: I will say to them “I never want anyone to push & hit you, and I don’t want you to do it either.
Wendy Piret Jan 11, 2012
A gem Eve.